Today is Easter, usually a day when I spend time with my family at dinner. Not this year.
I refuse to go to my in-laws anymore. After years of verbal abuse, I finally put my foot down and told my husband I would not go there again. He tried some guilt on me, but I held my ground. I did allow my daughter to choose for herself if she would go or not. She has an easier time ignoring the attacks than I do.
Yesterday, I had a huge "phone-fight" with my mom and ended up telling her to enjoy dinner with her "sick, f***** up family"! and after I slammed the phone down, spent 2 hours in tears and guilt because I really didn't mean to hurt her.
After going to an Easter devotional at our church and listening to one of the speakers point out that Jesus, our most holy, most beloved brother, who was beaten, crucified, and resurrected for me (and you) "carried out his father's will WITHOUT uttering one word of malice or hate or damnation, but begging forgiveness and mercy "'...for they know not what they do...'" made me stop and think that I was not a peace giver, following Christ's command to love and forgive. No, at that moment I was mocking the very gift my Savior had given so freely and as always found myself much in need of his forgiveness.
When I got home, I did send her a text apologizing for my behavior and wishing her a happy Easter. (I didn't call because my anger was not quite under control yet) I spent some time in the bathroom interrupting my husband's relaxing bath by sitting on the floor and yelling at him some, then I swept the kitchen floor, did two loads of laundry, and changed the sheets on my bed. It didn't remove the ornery feelings but at least the bed was comforting while I was up most of the night, stewing about things.
I went to church services this morning. It always helps me get a handle on things, and it's a great way to focus on the coming week. Then we went home to find baskets. Now my husband and daughter are off to see his parents and I am home, in quiet solitude, giving myself time to reflect on Easter. Quiet is always good for me. I have the "passion of the Christ" in the DVD player and some spiced applesauce warming on the stove. I think I'm in need of some humbling and some reassurance that forgiveness is still there.
So just a little reminder...
No, just kidding. That's practically impossible. Just remember, forgiveness is a commandment and a gift.
"...forgive and ye shall be forgiven", "...And they remembered his words".
May 2017 :)
2 months ago